I have genius roommates. Deep-thinking roommates. Inspirational roommates. Lately, we have all been into blogging - well, four of the six of us - and one of my roommates said something so profound that I want to do a post in response to it. She said:
"But sometimes I want to get past everyone’s smiles. I want to know who they truly are, and I want them to know me. Why do we put up false masks? Why are we scared of showing our true colors?" -Ky (Read her entire post here)
That is so true it is not even funny. Here at BYU, everyone puts on a smile to show that they are excited to be here - which we are - and we never show what is really wrong. We never tell anyone what are deepest fears are - the REAL deep fears - and we try to hide our true feelings. It is as if all of us are on one giant first date and "we put up false masks" and are "scared to show our true colors". Yes, we tell our roommates things and we tell our few close friends what is really going on, but we never really tell anyone else. I had a hard time telling my home teachers what I needed help with first semester because I do not usually open up to people in that way. It is uncomfortable to show that part of me to people. Yes, I show emotion. I am not disputing that - for the longest time I was the biggest crybaby. I'm better at it now, but it still comes out sometimes. I show emotion, but I never really tell people what is really wrong. I talk a lot about myself, but it is usually the things that happened to me and not how I really felt about the occurrence. I talk and sometimes, I feel like I should just be quiet and see if I can see people for who they really are. For what they truly believe in and what they really care about and stop talking about me and hiding my true self from them.
I love helping people and I love seeing people being happy. That's just the type of person I am. I love giving service and doing good. I wish I could do more in my days. But the thing is, I get so involved in what I look like and what I am doing and how I am presented in front of others that I do not get to see other people as much. I do not see their true cares, hopes, dreams, or problems. I do not see their struggles and their triumphs. Sure, I see some of them, but I do not get to know the person, help them through it, and celebrate with them when they succeed or comfort them when they fall just short.
It goes back to my roommates quote - we all put up false masks and never truly show are true colors. We are trying to be the best we can be and when we fall short, we either get back up, see what we did wrong, and move on, or we curl up in a corner and give up. We try not to go to others because we would feel weak if we did. If only we could be frank with one another and just be able to tell the whole entire truth about ourselves and have someone else understand where we came from and who we are.
Luckily we do have someone that understands. He might not physically be right in front of us, but we can feel of His love, and the love of His father. I am talking about Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. Jesus Christ is my brother and he understands what I am going through. He suffered for my sins and the sins of the world. He was - and is - a perfect being who took upon him all the sins for everyone everywhere so that we might return to Him and our Heavenly Parents. He understands. We can pray to Him for help and comfort. I know I have.
The reason most of this post is generalized is that I was hoping that someone else feels the same way I do sometimes. I hope that I'm not the only one that feels like this - granted, it's not all the time, just some of the time - and I just wrote how I feel sometimes and did it in broad terms because I did not want to keep saying "I". And I know that all of us feel like throwing up false masks and hiding our true selves from the world and even sometimes from ourselves, but we have to keep moving on. We pray for help, we ask our family and friends for help, and then we do all that we can and pray that Heavenly Father can help us with the rest. I know that things happen and we get down on ourselves sometimes, but we have to keep on going with the help of our Heavenly Father, Christ, the knowledge that they love us, and the knowledge of the Atonement.
I don't think they're necessarily false masks. We have social constructs that help us determine how emotionally intimate we can be in a situation. For example, you wouldn't walk up to just anyone on campus and tell them about your angst unless you need immediate help (like the Heimlich maneuver). If you did it would skip several social steps of building trust, learning the person's likes, needs, skills, etc. Sometimes you can get there faster by learning quickly that you share commonalities, which being at BYU helps with (similar values, interested in education, nice). I think we try to be generally pleasant while getting to the next level of friendship with anyone. If it's deeper, more meaningful relationships you crave, seek out others like you who want the same. But sometimes it's also a function of how much time and effort you and others have to devote to that at any particular moment. And, like you with your home teachers, it takes a leap of faith to ask for and accept something from someone else. So maybe say yes more often?
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