"False Masks and True Colors"

I have genius roommates. Deep-thinking roommates. Inspirational roommates. Lately, we have all been into blogging - well, four of the six of us - and one of my roommates said something so profound that I want to do a post in response to it. She said:
"But sometimes I want to get past everyone’s smiles.  I want to know who they truly are, and I want them to know me.  Why do we put up false masks?  Why are we scared of showing our true colors?" -Ky (Read her entire post here)

That is so true it is not even funny. Here at BYU, everyone puts on a smile to show that they are excited to be here - which we are - and we never show what is really wrong. We never tell anyone what are deepest fears are - the REAL deep fears - and we try to hide our true feelings. It is as if all of us are on one giant first date and "we put up false masks" and are "scared to show our true colors". Yes, we tell our roommates things and we tell our few close friends what is really going on, but we never really tell anyone else. I had a hard time telling my home teachers what I needed help with first semester because I do not usually open up to people in that way. It is uncomfortable to show that part of me to people. Yes, I show emotion. I am not disputing that - for the longest time I was the biggest crybaby. I'm better at it now, but it still comes out sometimes. I show emotion, but I never really tell people what is really wrong. I talk a lot about myself, but it is usually the things that happened to me and not how I really felt about the occurrence. I talk and sometimes, I feel like I should just be quiet and see if I can see people for who they really are. For what they truly believe in and what they really care about and stop talking about me and hiding my true self from them.

I love helping people and I love seeing people being happy. That's just the type of person I am. I love giving service and doing good. I wish I could do more in my days. But the thing is, I get so involved in what I look like and what I am doing and how I am presented in front of others that I do not get to see other people as much. I do not see their true cares, hopes, dreams, or problems. I do not see their struggles and their triumphs. Sure, I see some of them, but I do not get to know the person, help them through it, and celebrate with them when they succeed or comfort them when they fall just short.

It goes back to my roommates quote - we all put up false masks and never truly show are true colors. We are trying to be the best we can be and when we fall short, we either get back up, see what we did wrong, and move on, or we curl up in a corner and give up. We try not to go to others because we would feel weak if we did. If only we could be frank with one another and just be able to tell the whole entire truth about ourselves and have someone else understand where we came from and who we are.

Luckily we do have someone that understands. He might not physically be right in front of us, but we can feel of His love, and the love of His father. I am talking about Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. Jesus Christ is my brother and he understands what I am going through. He suffered for my sins and the sins of the world. He was - and is - a perfect being who took upon him all the sins for everyone everywhere so that we might return to Him and our Heavenly Parents. He understands. We can pray to Him for help and comfort. I know I have.

The reason most of this post is generalized is that I was hoping that someone else feels the same way I do sometimes. I hope that I'm not the only one that feels like this - granted, it's not all the time, just some of the time - and I just wrote how I feel sometimes and did it in broad terms because I did not want to keep saying "I". And I know that all of us feel like throwing up false masks and hiding our true selves from the world and even sometimes from ourselves, but we have to keep moving on. We pray for help, we ask our family and friends for help, and then we do all that we can and pray that Heavenly Father can help us with the rest. I know that things happen and we get down on ourselves sometimes, but we have to keep on going with the help of our Heavenly Father, Christ, the knowledge that they love us, and the knowledge of the Atonement.

Hello, 2012!

So it's the beginning of a new year - new experiences, new "resolutions", new friends, new semester at college, etc. This year is new. With this sense of newness, I have made some personal goals to do better this semester in college and in life. I'll keep those to myself - this is the internet, after all - but I feel good about this upcoming semester. I've learned some lessons from last semester and I am looking forward to fixing a few things and applying things I've figured out to my life. I think that it's going to be a good semester - and rest of the year - in these upcoming months. I'm excited to learn more, have new experiences, meet new people, and grow closer to those I already know.

I got back to college today and I realized that I have missed it. I have missed my roommates - love them to death - and I've missed the view of the mountains and just the area and people in general. It was weird getting books today, though - campus was pretty much empty and it was strange.

First semester went well - I've learned a lot about myself and I have realized some things that I need to change for my upcoming semester. It's a new experience - something that I have to keep telling myself when I am really critical of myself - and it's also a learning process. Learning to do everything by yourself and to not be reminded by your parents is a new thing to figure out, as well as cooking and shopping for yourself. It takes a while to get used to. And juggling your classes, church calling, and social life on top of that (not necessarily in that order) just adds to the difficulty of differentiating between what you need to do and what you want to do. It takes definitely practice.

I look forward to this next semester of school and the goals that I have set for myself to grow more. I'm extremely excited for school and everything that falls under that category - and that includes the stress (maybe not so much like the stress during finals - that was bad - but just good stress...). Here's looking up, 2012, and stepping forward with faith in every footstep and a prayer in my heart.

Happy new year, everybody!